Defeat

It has been awhile since I have posted. I started college full time a few weeks ago. Let me tell you, it has been an experience. I wish I could say that I am enjoying it, but I'm not. There I said it. I despise studying and I'm struggling with retaining information. I would rather be doing yoga, cleaning the house, cooking, or walking the dogs. I am beyond stressed out. Tom has been so amazingly supportive thus far, which I am so grateful for. I just can't help but wonder if I'm cut out for this. Maybe I'm not. I feel like a total and complete failure right now. I want to run back to work. I was always good at work. School scares me. The thought of being graded and someone telling me how smart, or dumb, I am sends me into a downward spin. I am not sure how I can get through this and keep my sanity. I feel like I am going to crack.

Tom had an excellent point today. I am completely negative when it comes to learning. I am so hard on myself when I don't do something right the first time. I expect myself to know it all. He is 100% right. I do not think of learning things or a learning curve. I just expect to be perfect without practice. Things that don't go hand in hand with each other. Instead, I fail because I give up (my words, not his.) So how do I get around this? How do I create a new pattern? How do I let go of this stress and move forward without giving up?

Off Track

As the frequency of my blog posts have died down so have my workouts. I'm getting back on track starting today. Blogging seems to keep me accountable... so here we go again :)

Resistance Building

It has been a couple of weeks since I unrolled my mat and had a focused yoga practice. A lot has changed in the last couple of weeks. I got engaged, turned thirty, had a visit from my brother, traveled to Colorado for a wedding, and began studying for a college entrance exam. Like I said, I had a lot going on.

My practice, except for a few stretches here or there, fell to the way side. I began to feel more and more out of balance. Along with the imbalance came more and more resistance to practicing. That resistance began to grow in my body and my mind. Instead of saying "yes I need yoga right now" there were negative thoughts and excuses as to why I couldn't practice.

I forced myself on to my mat this morning. I would love to say that the resistance melted away quickly, but it didn't. It's amazing how much stiffness can build in your body in a few weeks. I realized quickly that I had not really integrated the big changes I went through on the physical level. I worked through the practice, fighting it most the way, and when I finished had a energetic sort of euphorbia going on. Ahh... release! Release of the tightness in my body, release of the negative patterns running through my mind, and release of resistance. This is what centered feels like! I'm back.

Take charge of your life.

Not making a decision is making a decision!

- Crystal Andrus

Stepping into the Fire

Yesterday was one of those days where I woke up in a slump-tastic funk and couldn't shake it. After a morning of ferocious coughing I banished myself to my couch for a day of moping and watching TV. As the day progressed things seemed to be coming in on me. Then, the dogs tracked in some sort of black substance and spread it all over our new couch. That was it - full melt down time. Out came the tears and fears. All this old crap seemed to be surfacing for me.

It was only later that night that I connected it. The night before I had done another huge hip opening practice. Let me tell you there is some dark stuff living in my hips. A enticing mix of self sabotage, negativity, and harshness. Like I've mentioned before, this is usually when I go running from my yoga practice. When the dark stuff surfaces I want nothing to do with it. I feel for my poor dogs and boyfriend who have to be in the same home with me while I wallow in my crap.

Today I had a choice. I could stay stuck in yesterday's yuck or I could step back into the fire. My theory is that the only way for me to release these emotions is to keep going back into them. The best way for me to access them is through yoga. I unrolled my mat and went for it... more hip openers! I did it in a very honoring way. I started my practice with a gentle prayer for peace and release. Afterwards, I felt energized and fantastic. We shall see what tomorrow brings. If it does bring more of the negative feelings hopefully I can recognize it sooner and work on a plan B to move through them.

Day #21 - The End

Today is technically day 21 of my 21 day experiment. I've practiced yoga the last few days but haven't been able to really find my flow or groove. I seem to continue to struggle right now. I've been frustrated by the lack of movement, or change, in my physical body. In other words, I don't feel like I'm progressing. I realize that I was sick for about a week out of this three week period. However, that just feels like an excuse. When I sat down to write today I saw a "Inspiration Card" that I had set out last week.

Ever moment is an opportunity.

I create my life anew each day.

Remember that you are always creating your life new and fresh. You are not trying to redo or change what already exists. To do so would be to resist what is, which creates struggle and conflict. Take the attitude that you are accepting and handling whatever exists in your life while at the same time recognizing that every moment is a new opportunity to begin creating exactly what you desire and what will make you the happiest.

-Shakti Gawain

Creative Visualization 50 Inspiration Card Deck

I seem to be resisting what is; struggling against some ideal that I have created in my mind. I'm going to keep practicing yoga and writing about it. I will do my best not to compare and judge myself. I will do my best to accept where I am in this moment and create the qualities that I want for the next.

Day #17 - Repeating Old Patterns

As humans we have a tendency to repeat patterns in our lives. Some of these repetitions, or habits, are healthy like brushing our teeth before bed or kissing a loved one goodnight. Then there are the the unhealthy ones. We all have them. Sometimes we are able to see them clearly and other times we simply enjoy the marry-go-round ride.

In yoga the repetition helps us evolve. Doing the same posture over and over again helps us to build muscle memory and strength. However, what if we do the posture over and over again in a way that tweaks our knee? It is eventually going to cause a injury. Your body will say enough is enough. Does the same thing apply to life? Are our good habits helping us to evolve? What about our "negative" ones? Are they eventually going to cause destruction?