Day #21 - The End

Today is technically day 21 of my 21 day experiment. I've practiced yoga the last few days but haven't been able to really find my flow or groove. I seem to continue to struggle right now. I've been frustrated by the lack of movement, or change, in my physical body. In other words, I don't feel like I'm progressing. I realize that I was sick for about a week out of this three week period. However, that just feels like an excuse. When I sat down to write today I saw a "Inspiration Card" that I had set out last week.

Ever moment is an opportunity.

I create my life anew each day.

Remember that you are always creating your life new and fresh. You are not trying to redo or change what already exists. To do so would be to resist what is, which creates struggle and conflict. Take the attitude that you are accepting and handling whatever exists in your life while at the same time recognizing that every moment is a new opportunity to begin creating exactly what you desire and what will make you the happiest.

-Shakti Gawain

Creative Visualization 50 Inspiration Card Deck

I seem to be resisting what is; struggling against some ideal that I have created in my mind. I'm going to keep practicing yoga and writing about it. I will do my best not to compare and judge myself. I will do my best to accept where I am in this moment and create the qualities that I want for the next.

Day #8 - Opening Limitations

I have to admit I was extremely excited about my yoga practice this morning. I woke up looking forward to it. I can't even remember the last time I've felt this way. It was like one of Shiva Rea's DVDs was calling to me. This Free Flow Vinyasa was all my body wanted. The funny thing is I have only done this DVD once before. I remember it being amazing but I didn't remember any of the details.

My hips are one of my "problem" areas. They are usually tight, and with the running I've been doing they have been even tighter. I've been experimenting on my mat trying to get deep enough in the hips to feel that tightness release. However, nothing was doing the trick... until today. This DVD is the best hip opening practice I've done in a long time. My joints feel mobile and energized.

The DVD is different from the other Shiva DVDs I have. It's a recording of a class so it flows very nicely. The other DVDs have lots of segments that you can put together in any sequence you like. I love the options they offer but it the experience can seem a bit choppy. This one, however, takes me back to practicing with Shiva in training. My body comes alive as she seamlessly guides me through a practice filled with preparation for change in life.

I highly recommend this DVD for anyone that wants to branch out in your yoga practice. Your hips will thank you. Happy hip opening!

Day #7 - Demons

I have declared war against the demons in my head. You know the ones I'm talking about. They are the negative voices that keep me small and unhealthy. They love phrases like "You CAN'T do this", "this isn't safe", and "just who do you think you are?"

In metaphysical studies these voices would be referred to as the ego... the part of us that is afraid and doesn't want us to shine. The part of us that doesn't think it is safe to succeed or be healthy. There are books upon books about the ego. You could spend a life time examining it. It was originally there to keep us safe, a coping mechanism for life. However, at some point it takes over and is no longer our friend. It turns on us and we begin to be held back by it.

The truth is I am tired of analyzing my ego. I honestly don't care what caused me to create the psychoses I did. All I care about is silencing those voices now. I know that they were created for reasons throughout my life... but I don't need to feed into them and analyze them with my mind, for they are my mind. Analyzing keeps me wrapped up in them. It keeps them in control. "Oh, look at me! See me! Why am I here? Who would you be without me?" they say. But I'm telling you it's a trap! Do not fall into their open snares.

Instead, I am choosing to give them the silent treatment. Which is not easy. For example, this morning I got up and was struggling with whether or not I should go to the gym. The facts are I've been feeling much stronger since I've been going. I am running a 8K in less than a month. I need to train and it's good for me. However, the voices started in saying "Do you really want to go to the gym? It's such a long walk? If you only had a car to drive there. Who are you kidding? Even if you had a car you wouldn't drive there. Look at your hair. You don't look good enough to go to the gym. It's such a long walk! You can't go. Are going to leave the dogs? You should just go for a walk with them. What is wrong with you? Why is this such a hard choice? You can't do this. What are you thinking?"

The voices are armed and ready to fight. They always seem to bring their A-game. They present persuasive arguments. However, there is another place inside me. A place that is able to let them spew their negative thoughts and still do what I need to do anyway. This part of me is growing stronger and stronger. This morning, while the above thoughts were running on the treadmill of my mind, I kept moving. I got dressed in my workout clothes. I threw my hair into a ponytail. I grabbed my jacket and purse and walked out the front door towards the gym.

As I headed towards the gym the voices continued, but I just kept walking. When I started on running on the treadmill, they started in with a new slew of insults. The voices said "You can't do this. You are too tired. You didn't eat breakfast. You are going too fast. You are going to fall face first on this treadmill. Wouldn't that be embarrassing? Who do you think you are? I bet you can't even run a mile. What are you thinking?"

I kept running. As I continued, I realized "What are you thinking?" was an extremely valid question. I was totally in my head! My body? Hmm... I'm not sure what it's doing... let me check... oh, yeah, that's right it's running on a treadmill. I was giving too much focus to my mind chatter and not enough to the wisdom in my body. I shifted my focus. I started "listening", or should I say, feeling my body. Turns out I was fine running. My body felt good and strong. We ran for a mile without even feeling tired. Not too much longer after that my knees began to ache and my legs started to feel heavy. I listened to this and slowed down after running 1.5 miles.

I spent a few moments stretching then started the mile trek back home. The voices started again. They where a bit softer now but just as insulting. This time they were staying things like "Why didn't you run two miles? I bet you could have done it. You just don't have the determination, do you? What is your problem?" That was it. They were still nagging me. THEY didn't even want me to go to the gym. Now THEY were telling me I didn't do enough. You have got to be kidding. Finally, I told them "That's enough!" And amazingly that was enough. They were silenced for the moment and I had a fairly peaceful walk home.

I know that this war will continue. That they will keep on trying to trick me. I also know that if I continue to ignore them, and tell them that I'm okay, they will loose strength. The will soften and quiet themselves. Day by day, step by step, I will continue to fight and they will continue to retreat.

Day #4 - Blah

Today I felt even worse. I sat on the couch all day and watched TV. No movement for me. I'm sure I will feel better tomorrow.

Day #3 - Going With the Flow

Don't you just love being a woman? I started my period today and have not felt like moving, let along doing yoga. The idea of doing traditional yoga is exhausting to just think about. Instead of forcing myself to practice, and go against what my body needs right now, I decided to do some simple breath and energy exercises. (I also indulged in the yoga of eating... mindfully gobbling up a spoonful of yummy extra icing that I had froze. Not traditionally healthy, but my body in it's current state delighted in the sugar!) I think days like these should involve honoring your own inner flow. As a woman, take some time for yourself. Do something to pamper yourself!

I also thought I would include a video with today's entry. This shows the simple breath exercises that can help balance your energy.

Day #2 - Outward Expression

Today we hit 60 degrees in Chicago and it felt fantastic! I walked to the gym, which is a two miles round trip, ran on a treadmill for two miles, then came home and took the dogs for a long walk.

I also did a 30 minute yoga practice this evening. I flowed with what my body needed after all of that walking and running. Worked on releasing tension and old patterns from my body with a verbal practice. By this I mean I say whatever comes up for me as I move through postures. This is done with the intention of letting it go. I say "I choose to release ______." Then move on. Sometimes the replacement for the energy comes up, then I say "I choose to replace this with ______." It is a beautiful practice. It feels very honoring. There is great power in my voice; using it in this way is very helpful for me.

Day #1 - Finding My Flow

I have many reasons for creating a solid yoga practice right now. I have time to do it. I will be going to school full time starting this summer so now is a great time to create a new habit. I have tons of Shiva Rea DVDs to use. I need to gain flexibility while I strengthen my body. And the list goes on and on.

However, this morning those were not the reasons that brought me to my mat. My motivation was bigger than just me. I wanted to cultivate qualities through my yoga practice that the world needs right now. By the world, I mean Japan in particular. They are in a state of emergency that I can not even fathom. And quite honestly, do not want to. I would much rather send energy out to this crisis than take energy in from it.

I started my yoga practice today with a goal of cultivating stability and surrender. The people of Japan are in a situation where they need both. The must surrender to the power of Mother Nature and they need stability within the ground they walk on, within themselves, their families, their communities, and their country.

The DVD that called to me this morning was Fluid Power. It's one of my favorites even though I haven't used it in years. As I began to practice it was like my body magically incorporated the above qualities. I was able to clearly understand movements and sequences that seemed forced to me before. I could feel the global heart beat. I could feel the movement of the water within my body swelling and receding. I could feel the loss of life and more importantly, feel them joining our ancestors - becoming part of our history. It was the most connected I have felt in a long, long, time. And, although, there is a ton of sadness and devastation out there right now, that is NOT what I felt. I felt a strong sense of hope and strength. Life will continue.

21 Days

I'm sure you have heard it before. It takes 21 days to create a habit. I will be running, yes running, a 8k in a little over 21 days. I am not a runner and just started training. I realize that this is not the best plan and I should have started training weeks ago. However, it's cold in Chicago. Even though I've seen lots of runners braving the weather all winter, I am not one of them. I figure worst case I end up walking the 8K. I know I can do that.

Training, or should I say starting to train, has inspired me to start doing yoga regularly. Here's my plan for the next 21 days. Every other day run - gradually increasing my distance. On running days I plan on doing light yoga. On non running days a solid yoga practice. Even though I ran today... tomorrow will be Day 1, starting with a yoga practice.