Resistance Building

It has been a couple of weeks since I unrolled my mat and had a focused yoga practice. A lot has changed in the last couple of weeks. I got engaged, turned thirty, had a visit from my brother, traveled to Colorado for a wedding, and began studying for a college entrance exam. Like I said, I had a lot going on.

My practice, except for a few stretches here or there, fell to the way side. I began to feel more and more out of balance. Along with the imbalance came more and more resistance to practicing. That resistance began to grow in my body and my mind. Instead of saying "yes I need yoga right now" there were negative thoughts and excuses as to why I couldn't practice.

I forced myself on to my mat this morning. I would love to say that the resistance melted away quickly, but it didn't. It's amazing how much stiffness can build in your body in a few weeks. I realized quickly that I had not really integrated the big changes I went through on the physical level. I worked through the practice, fighting it most the way, and when I finished had a energetic sort of euphorbia going on. Ahh... release! Release of the tightness in my body, release of the negative patterns running through my mind, and release of resistance. This is what centered feels like! I'm back.

Stepping into the Fire

Yesterday was one of those days where I woke up in a slump-tastic funk and couldn't shake it. After a morning of ferocious coughing I banished myself to my couch for a day of moping and watching TV. As the day progressed things seemed to be coming in on me. Then, the dogs tracked in some sort of black substance and spread it all over our new couch. That was it - full melt down time. Out came the tears and fears. All this old crap seemed to be surfacing for me.

It was only later that night that I connected it. The night before I had done another huge hip opening practice. Let me tell you there is some dark stuff living in my hips. A enticing mix of self sabotage, negativity, and harshness. Like I've mentioned before, this is usually when I go running from my yoga practice. When the dark stuff surfaces I want nothing to do with it. I feel for my poor dogs and boyfriend who have to be in the same home with me while I wallow in my crap.

Today I had a choice. I could stay stuck in yesterday's yuck or I could step back into the fire. My theory is that the only way for me to release these emotions is to keep going back into them. The best way for me to access them is through yoga. I unrolled my mat and went for it... more hip openers! I did it in a very honoring way. I started my practice with a gentle prayer for peace and release. Afterwards, I felt energized and fantastic. We shall see what tomorrow brings. If it does bring more of the negative feelings hopefully I can recognize it sooner and work on a plan B to move through them.

Day #21 - The End

Today is technically day 21 of my 21 day experiment. I've practiced yoga the last few days but haven't been able to really find my flow or groove. I seem to continue to struggle right now. I've been frustrated by the lack of movement, or change, in my physical body. In other words, I don't feel like I'm progressing. I realize that I was sick for about a week out of this three week period. However, that just feels like an excuse. When I sat down to write today I saw a "Inspiration Card" that I had set out last week.

Ever moment is an opportunity.

I create my life anew each day.

Remember that you are always creating your life new and fresh. You are not trying to redo or change what already exists. To do so would be to resist what is, which creates struggle and conflict. Take the attitude that you are accepting and handling whatever exists in your life while at the same time recognizing that every moment is a new opportunity to begin creating exactly what you desire and what will make you the happiest.

-Shakti Gawain

Creative Visualization 50 Inspiration Card Deck

I seem to be resisting what is; struggling against some ideal that I have created in my mind. I'm going to keep practicing yoga and writing about it. I will do my best not to compare and judge myself. I will do my best to accept where I am in this moment and create the qualities that I want for the next.

Day #10 - Urdhva Dhanurasana

Today was a running day. I didn't do a very good job of eating before I ran. By the time I hit the gym I was tired. I ran two miles on the treadmill but was seriously exhausted afterwards. My stomach was cramping and my heart was racing from the Chocolate Chai I had earlier in the day. I came home and grabbed something small to eat and downed some water. Afterward, I took about five minutes for savasana and focused on evening out my breath. It helped quite a bit. However, this was a great reminder for me to take care of my nutritional needs before I push myself too hard.

Later, I decided some yoga was in order. I used my intuition to pick which video sequence to do. I was drawn to a chakra & heart opening flow that culminated with Urdhva Dhanurasana or wheel pose. I have always loved bridge pose which is a preparation pose for this. The full expression of this pose has been out of my grasp off and on for years because of wrist issues.

I hadn't done this pose in years. However, I was feeling strong, and my wrists felt okay in the "reverse" angle, so I went for it. I pushed up into fairly easy. As I held it and breathed I remembered the absolute joy and freedom this pose brings me. My entire body rejoiced in the full opening. It was amazing!

This pose takes a lot of courage. You are arching your body up into the unknown. It can be scary at first and it also takes a good amount of core strength. I highly recommend having a professional yoga teacher assist you the first few times you try it. I still battle a little fear as I begin to press up into it. However, that fear is quickly replaced with freedom and strength.

Day #9 - Emotions :(

There is a point when I start to practice yoga where my emotions start to release. This is the point where I usually give up. All the sudden I don't have time to do yoga. It's amazing how many times this pattern has shown up in my life.

I should not be surprised that yesterdays deep hip openers brought an emotional roller coaster today. Sadness mostly, with a little desperation thrown in so I didn't get bored. When I caught myself wallowing in the sadness and using it as an excuse not to go to the gym to run (along with the fact that it's like 35 degrees outside!) I made myself unroll my yoga mat. I spent about 45 minutes practicing. It was a rough practice. The kind where you just can't get into your yoga grove. I felt struggle and awkwardness in my body.

All I can say is that there are days like this. I am NOT going to give up this time. I will not let excuses stop me. My theory is that as if I can push through the emotions, and keep practicing, they will start to even out. I will be healthier and more flexible in my body. I will keep you posted on how this turns out.

Day #8 - Opening Limitations

I have to admit I was extremely excited about my yoga practice this morning. I woke up looking forward to it. I can't even remember the last time I've felt this way. It was like one of Shiva Rea's DVDs was calling to me. This Free Flow Vinyasa was all my body wanted. The funny thing is I have only done this DVD once before. I remember it being amazing but I didn't remember any of the details.

My hips are one of my "problem" areas. They are usually tight, and with the running I've been doing they have been even tighter. I've been experimenting on my mat trying to get deep enough in the hips to feel that tightness release. However, nothing was doing the trick... until today. This DVD is the best hip opening practice I've done in a long time. My joints feel mobile and energized.

The DVD is different from the other Shiva DVDs I have. It's a recording of a class so it flows very nicely. The other DVDs have lots of segments that you can put together in any sequence you like. I love the options they offer but it the experience can seem a bit choppy. This one, however, takes me back to practicing with Shiva in training. My body comes alive as she seamlessly guides me through a practice filled with preparation for change in life.

I highly recommend this DVD for anyone that wants to branch out in your yoga practice. Your hips will thank you. Happy hip opening!

Day #2 - Outward Expression

Today we hit 60 degrees in Chicago and it felt fantastic! I walked to the gym, which is a two miles round trip, ran on a treadmill for two miles, then came home and took the dogs for a long walk.

I also did a 30 minute yoga practice this evening. I flowed with what my body needed after all of that walking and running. Worked on releasing tension and old patterns from my body with a verbal practice. By this I mean I say whatever comes up for me as I move through postures. This is done with the intention of letting it go. I say "I choose to release ______." Then move on. Sometimes the replacement for the energy comes up, then I say "I choose to replace this with ______." It is a beautiful practice. It feels very honoring. There is great power in my voice; using it in this way is very helpful for me.

Day #1 - Finding My Flow

I have many reasons for creating a solid yoga practice right now. I have time to do it. I will be going to school full time starting this summer so now is a great time to create a new habit. I have tons of Shiva Rea DVDs to use. I need to gain flexibility while I strengthen my body. And the list goes on and on.

However, this morning those were not the reasons that brought me to my mat. My motivation was bigger than just me. I wanted to cultivate qualities through my yoga practice that the world needs right now. By the world, I mean Japan in particular. They are in a state of emergency that I can not even fathom. And quite honestly, do not want to. I would much rather send energy out to this crisis than take energy in from it.

I started my yoga practice today with a goal of cultivating stability and surrender. The people of Japan are in a situation where they need both. The must surrender to the power of Mother Nature and they need stability within the ground they walk on, within themselves, their families, their communities, and their country.

The DVD that called to me this morning was Fluid Power. It's one of my favorites even though I haven't used it in years. As I began to practice it was like my body magically incorporated the above qualities. I was able to clearly understand movements and sequences that seemed forced to me before. I could feel the global heart beat. I could feel the movement of the water within my body swelling and receding. I could feel the loss of life and more importantly, feel them joining our ancestors - becoming part of our history. It was the most connected I have felt in a long, long, time. And, although, there is a ton of sadness and devastation out there right now, that is NOT what I felt. I felt a strong sense of hope and strength. Life will continue.

A Willingness to Experience Duality

A few mornings ago I was thinking about my yoga practice, or more accurately my lack of yoga practice these days. I was wondering why I have been avoiding it. I know that when I practice regularly I feel fantastic. I begin to open up to life, to feel connected to my body and spirit, and to feel firmly grounded in my truth. I feel that amazing joy and immense sense of being fully alive in every cell of my being. Why would I avoid that? Then it came to me… it’s the crash.

The crash for me usually comes at work. My work situation is less than ideal. My crash consists of walking into work feeling wonderful and open, and then getting bombarded by anger and negativity. This feeling gets compounded by self judgments of why I have left myself in this situation so long. I realize now that my crash consists of me feeling how miserable I really am; something that I have unconsciously worked very hard to numb over the past five years.

So here was the question I was faced with:

If I do not allow myself to feel sadness and sorrow, can I really experience joy?

For me, this answer is a simple no. We live in a world full of duality. We can not have the good without the bad, the happy without the sad, or the reward without the work. I believe that to live fully you must be open to the entire range of emotions.

I know that I have robbed myself of feeling intense joy and happiness because I chose to numb the pain. I can feel the stuck emotions in my body magnifying the longer I avoid my practice. In life, we always have choices. I can continue to deaden myself and mourn the loss of the joy that I once felt, but this is not the way I want to live. Instead, tonight I will unroll my mat with a willingness to experience duality. I will choose to let myself experience whatever emotions present themselves so that I can savor the sweet glimpses of bliss.