Day #7 - Demons

I have declared war against the demons in my head. You know the ones I'm talking about. They are the negative voices that keep me small and unhealthy. They love phrases like "You CAN'T do this", "this isn't safe", and "just who do you think you are?"

In metaphysical studies these voices would be referred to as the ego... the part of us that is afraid and doesn't want us to shine. The part of us that doesn't think it is safe to succeed or be healthy. There are books upon books about the ego. You could spend a life time examining it. It was originally there to keep us safe, a coping mechanism for life. However, at some point it takes over and is no longer our friend. It turns on us and we begin to be held back by it.

The truth is I am tired of analyzing my ego. I honestly don't care what caused me to create the psychoses I did. All I care about is silencing those voices now. I know that they were created for reasons throughout my life... but I don't need to feed into them and analyze them with my mind, for they are my mind. Analyzing keeps me wrapped up in them. It keeps them in control. "Oh, look at me! See me! Why am I here? Who would you be without me?" they say. But I'm telling you it's a trap! Do not fall into their open snares.

Instead, I am choosing to give them the silent treatment. Which is not easy. For example, this morning I got up and was struggling with whether or not I should go to the gym. The facts are I've been feeling much stronger since I've been going. I am running a 8K in less than a month. I need to train and it's good for me. However, the voices started in saying "Do you really want to go to the gym? It's such a long walk? If you only had a car to drive there. Who are you kidding? Even if you had a car you wouldn't drive there. Look at your hair. You don't look good enough to go to the gym. It's such a long walk! You can't go. Are going to leave the dogs? You should just go for a walk with them. What is wrong with you? Why is this such a hard choice? You can't do this. What are you thinking?"

The voices are armed and ready to fight. They always seem to bring their A-game. They present persuasive arguments. However, there is another place inside me. A place that is able to let them spew their negative thoughts and still do what I need to do anyway. This part of me is growing stronger and stronger. This morning, while the above thoughts were running on the treadmill of my mind, I kept moving. I got dressed in my workout clothes. I threw my hair into a ponytail. I grabbed my jacket and purse and walked out the front door towards the gym.

As I headed towards the gym the voices continued, but I just kept walking. When I started on running on the treadmill, they started in with a new slew of insults. The voices said "You can't do this. You are too tired. You didn't eat breakfast. You are going too fast. You are going to fall face first on this treadmill. Wouldn't that be embarrassing? Who do you think you are? I bet you can't even run a mile. What are you thinking?"

I kept running. As I continued, I realized "What are you thinking?" was an extremely valid question. I was totally in my head! My body? Hmm... I'm not sure what it's doing... let me check... oh, yeah, that's right it's running on a treadmill. I was giving too much focus to my mind chatter and not enough to the wisdom in my body. I shifted my focus. I started "listening", or should I say, feeling my body. Turns out I was fine running. My body felt good and strong. We ran for a mile without even feeling tired. Not too much longer after that my knees began to ache and my legs started to feel heavy. I listened to this and slowed down after running 1.5 miles.

I spent a few moments stretching then started the mile trek back home. The voices started again. They where a bit softer now but just as insulting. This time they were staying things like "Why didn't you run two miles? I bet you could have done it. You just don't have the determination, do you? What is your problem?" That was it. They were still nagging me. THEY didn't even want me to go to the gym. Now THEY were telling me I didn't do enough. You have got to be kidding. Finally, I told them "That's enough!" And amazingly that was enough. They were silenced for the moment and I had a fairly peaceful walk home.

I know that this war will continue. That they will keep on trying to trick me. I also know that if I continue to ignore them, and tell them that I'm okay, they will loose strength. The will soften and quiet themselves. Day by day, step by step, I will continue to fight and they will continue to retreat.